What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 03:23
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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Put me off passion for life!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why do some people enjoy being dominated?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was in good health!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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So whats the point in blame.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She loved him until the end.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I dreamt my mother had died and I cried so much in my dream. What does it mean?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was 9 years of age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I said to her
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It was going to be , some day.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it wasn’t much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We all went to grammer schools
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She married twice! .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im still living with it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And i lived it daily.
I waited trembling.
One cannot live in the past .
When she asked me how she looked .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
(And it was in our own minds.)
What did i know ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
My life is so biszare .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I have no regrets .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is soul school!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was scared of men, in general
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had hoped to write a book about this .